This morning I had another follow up appointment with my kidney nurse and afterwards she had a vascular nurse, who is the expert on fistulas, come in to look at my new fistula. The nurse was quite excited by how good it looks. The vein is growing as it should and there are nice long, straight lines of vein (apparently that’s a really good thing). She liked how it sounded as well. She was impressed by my hand strength and said that most people that are healthy don’t have the same strength. And then I asked her about the exercise I will be able to do. I’ve been getting various answers on this – my online research said I could lift between 5-10 pounds. The nephrology (kidney) nurse thought 25 pounds and the surgeon had no idea. Finally I found someone in the know!
She says that after a couple of months I will be able to do regular yoga. Knowing that yoga means different things to different people, I asked for clarification. I asked specifically, “will I be able to do a side plank?” where I am supported by one hand and the edge of my foot. I know if I can do that I can also do a regular plank pose, chaturanga etc. She said yes!! the only thing I won’t be able to do is compress the arm. So holding a baby in the left arm or doing a forearm stand and even a sphynx pose wouldn’t be great for me. But the rest is fine. So all the fear that I would never do yoga again in the way I do now was unfounded. Of course, if other people had been able to answer the question for me it would have saved me a whole lot of anxiety. But that’s the thing isn’t it? I was feeling sad and anxious about something that was not real. It was not in my reality and I had such a sense of loss.
Therapists refer to this as fortune telling. We start telling a story of what’s going to happen – and that story isn’t usually the best outcome. This part of my life has been so up and down with so much uncertainty. You’d think I’d be used to it now. There’s a lesson in this for me – let go of outcomes. I keep reminding myself that I don’t know what’s going to happen and that there might be outcomes that I can’t even imagine. But then every new situation that comes up I become fearful all over again.
Looking at worst case scenarios has been a coping strategy in the past. I look at that scenario and then figure out how I can deal with it (and I always can). But in this situation with health and fitness on the line it’s so hard! I feel like I can’t deal with the worst case. and then I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For when life suddenly changes and sucks out loud and I don’t want to play anymore. But every time I encounter one of these situations and end up coming out better than I feared I’m reminded that nothing is written in stone.
Maybe one of these days the lesson will really sink in!