Tonight was was in a yoga nidra class and during I had the image of myself as a young kid, maybe 5 or 6 years old. In the image the ‘big me’ hugged the little one tightly and said ‘I love you’. It just jumped into my mind for no reason, no catalyst that made me think about my childhood.
While driving home from class I was thinking about this image. I had an odd childhood. Odd in that I had a very involved and loving mom and 4 older siblings. We were a tight knit group, drove each other crazy as siblings do, but loved each other fiercely. Later in life my mom was known to say we were like a gang. The odd part is that even with that support I was incredibly shy and awkward, had some trouble making friends and suffered episodes that I recognize today as the start of my experience with depression, which likely lead to my later experience of alcoholism.
During the drive, though, something that my mom would often talk to me about when I was feeling off came to mind. She would tell me about ego states and how we flow in and out of adult and child states all the time based on who we’re interacting with (my mom was a therapist). She identified my issues around dealing with certain types of people when I would go into ‘rebellious child” in response to “critical parent”. She asked to try to have that child in me allow the adult to take over. She suggested I even say to myself “get behind me little one”. To protect that child in me, to know that I do have it in me to react in other ways. She also explained the theory – that when we access these child states, we lose our knowledge and experience of the adult we’ve come to be.
Maybe during this yoga class the big and little me came out together. Maybe the big me was indicating to little me that I’ve got this now. Or maybe my mom was dropping into my mind to say hello. Who knows. It was a very comforting image though. I miss my mom. I miss how she got my special brand of crazy like no one else. I miss her advice and her light laughter when I was showing that child again. The child in me feels like an orphan. The adult in me misses her best friend.
Get behind me little one, it’ll all be okay.