Get behind me little one

Tonight was was in a yoga nidra class and during I had the image of myself as a young kid, maybe 5 or 6 years old. In the image the ‘big me’ hugged the little one tightly and said ‘I love you’. It just jumped into my mind for no reason, no catalyst that made me think about my childhood. 

While driving home from class I was thinking about this image. I had an odd childhood. Odd in that I had a very involved and loving mom and 4 older siblings. We were a tight knit group, drove each other crazy as siblings do, but loved each other fiercely. Later in life my mom was known to say we were like a gang. The odd part is that even with that support I was incredibly shy and   awkward, had some trouble making friends and suffered episodes that I recognize today as the start of my experience with depression, which likely lead to my later experience of alcoholism.

During the drive, though, something that my mom would often talk to me about when I was feeling off came to mind. She would tell me about ego states and how we flow in and out of adult and child states all the time based on who we’re interacting with (my mom was a therapist). She identified my issues around dealing with certain types of people when I would go into ‘rebellious child” in response to “critical parent”. She asked to try to have that child in me allow the adult to take over. She suggested I even say to myself “get behind me little one”.  To protect that child in me, to know that I do have it in me to react in other ways. She also explained the theory – that when we access these child states, we lose our knowledge and experience of the adult we’ve come to be. 

Maybe during this yoga class the big and little me came out together. Maybe the big me was indicating to little me that I’ve got this now. Or maybe my mom was dropping into my mind to say hello. Who knows. It was a very comforting image though. I miss my mom. I miss how she got my special brand of crazy like no one else. I miss her advice and her light laughter when I was showing that child again. The child in me feels like an orphan. The adult in me misses her best friend. 

Get behind me little one, it’ll all be okay.

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To be heard

I had a meeting with three people from the kidney transplant unit at the hospital yesterday. The meeting was set up by the patient representative so I could express my concerns about the lengthy delay in working up a donor. They let me speak, tell them my perceptions from the doctor I had originally worked with, and how it seems to keep changing based on my kidney function.

The team allowed me to say my piece without getting defensive and without making me feel that I was demanding something that I never have. I felt heard at last.

Once they heard me, they were able to answer the questions I have without immediately jumping to the conclusion that I was asking for confidential information about the potential donor. They were able to explain why they do tests one at a time rather than all at once. They also took some feedback that they can use for the future.

I walked away feeling a sense of relief. It’s the first time in over a year I was feeling like they do have my best interest at heart and that they aren’t waiting for me to become ill. I can breathe again. It’s as if I had been holding my breath for a year and finally gulped I air.

My sister has been pushing this-getting answers to our questions for months. She’s an amazing advocate that is knowledgeable about hospitals and the way things work behind the scenes. I kind of think she should do it for a living☺️

 Thanks Beck, for this and for the many years of having my back.

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