Yesterday we spread my Mom’s ashes in Herring Cove where she grew up, as was her wish. As they were going out on the tide we needed to be there at high tide. My brother had a couple of friends who took him out in the boat so he could pour the ashes as the rest of the family watched from the dock. Someone had brought red roses and they were tossed into the water as well. All the women in my family threw them as the boat went by. We watched as the roses started to float out on the tide. Some of us silently crying. Some of us just sad. My three year old great-niece chatted about what Uncle Johnny was doing and when he would come back on the dock with the rest of us. She had apparently asked her mom the day before if Nanny Telly would be there. When my niece said no but that we would be thinking about her a lot, she expressed her feelings saying “Nanny Telly was my ‘fravorite’. I miss her heart”. We all miss her heart little one.
I slept late yesterday. When I woke up I felt heavy almost like i’d been drugged. My head ached and I couldn’t believe the time. I had a bit of coffee, a quick shower and hit the road. On my way there my sister called asking where I was. I didn’t have a sense of how far it was so I was running later than I thought. I suddenly felt like the screwed up girl I was when I was drinking. The late one who couldn’t get her body to cooperate with simply getting out of bed in the morning. I started to cry. The kind of crying when you can’t talk. My partner started talking for me. My sister was confused at first I think, but then realized what was happening and said “it’s ok, we’ll wait for you”. But I didn’t want to be the one they were waiting on. I didn’t want to draw more attention to me right now. I feel like I’m already taking up too much, more than my share of the worry in such a large family. I know we all have our times when we need a bit more, but this one is too long lasting. I just want the whole kidney disease to end. Wherever the road is taking me, let it end now. Instead I get more tired, more disfunctional. And now spreading my Mom’s ashes became about me.
I miss my Mom. Sometimes unbearably. I try to stay with the pain as they recommend. And I talk about her and sometimes laugh at the times we had together. I picture her most sitting in her chair chatting animatedly about something going on, or advising me on my work life complications. The other night while in the tub I was listening to music and alleluia came on. It was by a young man that had been a contestant on The Voice. I had played it for her after hearing him sing. She sat back in that chair with eyes closed and seemed to absorb the music. We sat in silence listening to the music. Me watching my Mom take it in, witnessing her bliss. It was a nice picture of her. And one I’ll always hold. I think about how much she loved. Her children, her grandchildren, her close friends and of course, her husband. She loved well. I guess that’s the most important thing in life, isn’t it? You did good Mom, I hope you know how much you were loved in return.
I hope you know how much we miss your heart.