I dreamed last night that I was driving down a highway and there was a one lane road to the right of me. I looked over to it and saw the name of the road repeated three times in all capitals. I realized I was on the wrong road during wasn’t sure if I was allowed to exit the highway to get on the correct road. I could see that it would be easy to do but I wasn’t sure that it was legal.
This dream feels significant to me, but I haven’t quite figured out in what way. I can’t evaluate the word that wa on the other road. That might give me more insight. So am I on a wrong road, or am I going too fast for my own good? If I’m on a wrong road, which area of my life does it relate to? Work? Relationship? Health? Spirit? Do I just need to slow down in general and have a good look at all of it? Make sure my priorities are where they need to be? That seems like a good idea now and then and perhaps it’s time for a check in with myself.
Relationships with my siblings has taken a larger role lately I think. And that’s a good thing. We support each other- even if it’s in the crying together kind of way. Am I losing sight of other relationships though? With my father? With my partner? Am I prioritizing them too? Honestly I’m not in the same way. Probably because relationships with my sisters are the easiest ones. They aren’t demanding or draining. I don’t need to work at them. So I may need to invest a bit more time with others.
My work life is often difficult and probably more so now that it’s the only work I have. I’m used to going from my day job to teach yoga or do Thai massage for someone. Now I only have the one job so my “work energy” is all in one place. It seems like that should be a good thing. But it doesn’t feel like a good thing. Wouldn’t it be great if when you need to conserve your energy you were able to choose those activities you’d rather do? Instead of being practical and just paying the bills and keeping your medical plan? Life is funny like that. And honestly, I like my day job. I just don’t have the same passion or drive for it.
Spiritually I go up and down all the time. One day I’m completely grounded and feel connected to universal energy and the next day I’m claiming I feel nothing at all anymore. I’ll meditate everyday for weeks and then one day realize that I haven’t in just as many weeks. I’ve been dancing around spirit for several months now and haven’t quite found my same sense of peace that I once had. Is that the road I’m just to the left of?
And then there’s my health, which has taken such a suddenly huge amount of my time and energy. I’m following the instructions I’ve been given. But for the first time in the 25 years since I’ve known about this disease I feel like a ‘diseased’ person. I’m suddenly a liability for some – people don’t like to treat a diseased person in case they make it worse. Suddenly I have all these constant reminders of the disease whereas before I could pretty much just live a normal life without much, if any, thought to my kidneys. Maybe the road to the right is the one where I feel like a healthy person again? Honestly I still feel good even if I’ve had limitations placed on me. I physically feel fine so my pain is emotional.
I guess I need to meditate and look more deeply at the things I’m doing (or not doing) and ensure they are for the best not only for me, but for others. Make sure that I’m still adding something positive to the universal energy, the net if you will. That’s probably the most important thing I can do at this time in my life.