Today I got news that I’m now sitting at 9% kidney function. That’s a scary number – I’m below double digits now! My initial reaction was fear. I’m not ready yet. I don’t have the fistula (access point for dialysis) in yet and that takes about two months to heal. If I need dialysis before that they have to go in through my neck. Not ideal, but doable. I’ve been waiting for the appointment with the surgeon to put the fistula in so I can figure out if I’m teaching yoga this summer or not. The appointment with her is tomorrow afternoon. But I guess there’s more going on than “will I be teaching this summer”. Maybe the question is will I be working this summer?
But you know, I still don’t know the outcome of this journey. And I need to remind myself that nothing is set and all outcomes are still possible. Outcomes that I may never have considered. And so, I need to make my peace with 9% just as I did with 13% and 17% which were numbers that stood out to me.
Who know where this journey is bringing me. I dreamed last night that I was called in for a transplant. That’s still a possibility. The consideration that kidney disease could be the thing that kills me only recently entered my brain and I’m oddly ok with that. Death has never been a fear of mine. Sad to say, but when I consider that there’s a wee sense of relief. Not that I’m looking to die- don’t get me wrong. But there are no great things I have planned right now. It’s not as if I have some great goal that I must achieve first. I’ve done a lot of living and a lot of healing in my life, and if it were my time I’d be alright with it. now my family….likely not so much.
Life can be a beautiful thing and I still think maybe there’s some beauty that’s going to come of this kidney journey. I don’t know what it might look like, but I have a sense. Do you get that?I hope whenever and whatever shape my blessings come in I’m open enough to receive them.