This morning I found myself wishing for the oblivion of being drunk. But without drinking. I’ve been sober going on 17 years, I have no intention of ever drinking again. But on occasion I want to escape my life. I know even when I was drinking it never worked. Life was so much messier then, so depressing and so out of control. But I’d like to escape for a bit. Maybe temporary amnesia would do the trick.
Is life so bad? No, not really. But I feel like I’m struggling right now. I haven’t been able to gain a proper perspective in a while. Likely since my Mom died in December. I’ve been slowly sinking into depression again, unsure of how to pull myself out of it. The things I normally do for stress control don’t feel available to me – hard workouts feel out of the question with my kidney function now at 12%. I need to conserve my energy so I can get through work. Meditating has been a bit disastrous. It turns into crying sessions. And I know that I need to let that all out, but sometimes it’s not convenient. And the problem with me is my way to stop crying is to get a little angry. That’s gets my control back. But let’s face it, anger is no coping mechanism. It also makes me feel like a fraud. I’m a yoga teacher. I feel like I’m expected to walking around all peaceful all the time. Smiling because I awoke to another day. Feeling the gratitude of the little things. But honestly, it all feels too hard right now. I want things that I can’t have. I want my daughters life to get easier, I want my boss to be more fair and consistent, I want my kidney function to come back up, I want my father to stop being lonely, I want my family to be better than just OK. And I want my mother back. And I can’t have any of those things.
I’m advised to see someone, that this is grief. But who do I go see? I know intellectually what I need to do. I just can’t seem to get out of my head and do it. I know that I have to stop fighting what I can’t possibly control. And I have to accept the things I cannot change. I know that. But it all seems too much to me right now. I just want an escape.
No I’m not going to drink, I’m not suicidal (for anyone getting all worried about me now). Everything will carry on as per norm. I’m just sad and I don’t know when I’ll stop being sad. Mom, I wish I could talk to you right now.