I dreamt of my mom last night for the first time since she passed away in December. In the dream we were sitting in a porch somewhere surrounded by a canopy of trees. She was holding a baby and another young child sat beside her. I’m not sure but I think they were my two of my great nieces, her great grandchildren. We were looking up at the trees as a soft mist started to fall from the sky, taking its time to reach us. It was warm and peaceful and there was a sense of cleansing. As is often the case in dreams I was then transported to my car, driving along a city street. Mom was in the passenger seat and we were chatting about mundane things. I then looked over at her, a little sad, and said’I know you aren’t really here.’ She gave me a soft, sad smile of her own, filled with compassion and softly shook her head. I looked back to the road in front of me and when I looked back to the passenger seat it was empty. Mom was gone.
I was sad last night, missing mom. Still finding it unbelievable that she’s gone. I cried softly while laying in bed, my head resting on my partners shoulder. Him completely unaware. I cried myself to sleep. It was my daughter’s birthday yesterday. Things have felt a little weird between us since she went back home after Christmas. We had an argument the night before she left. It was tense and stayed that way. I hugged her at the airport and told her I loved her but it was sad and felt more like an obligation. I wanted to tell her to smarten up and grow up and start seeing other people’s points of view. We were both hurting still of course. I had lost my mother, she had lost her grandmother who was like her other parent. So now, we need to heal as well. We need to get to a place of peace again. Lose the anger and remember we love each other. She’s 26 now. It’s time that she learns to cope with life situations without anger. And it’s time I allow her to find her way without being fearful of what the repercussions of her anger will be. She’ll get there. I did.
My mother never gave up on me through my years of anger and alcoholism. Sometimes I don’t feel I’m up to the same unwavering faith in my own child. When I express that to my father he simply says ‘I am’. I’m so lucky to have my big, crazy family. They’re everything to me. And often through the years they’ve been able to take over when I felt ill equipped to handle things on my own. I guess a part of me thought that was over when mom passed. But I’m comforted to know that she taught us all well. We have each other’s backs now and always.