I had my kidney clinic appointment this morning. I’m holding at 14% kidney function. The last 6 months of blood work have been pretty much the same. When I first dropped to 15% there was a big rush to get me worked up for a kidney transplant and it seemed like everything was going to happen. But now I’m on hold (and will have to do all the work up again, which is kind of a pain). I know intellectually that this is a good thing. I know getting a transplant is something I should want to avoid. And the thought of one of my family members or friends undergoing surgery for me is pretty uncomfortable. And yet I just want to get it over with. I’m tired. I’m tired of watching what I eat so closely; I’m tired of not being able to eat in a restaurant without maybe feeling hungover for a couple of days; I’m tired of being kind of tired all the time. I’m tired of having kidney disease. I should feel blessed that my kidneys have kept functioning as much as they have for the past 25 years since I was diagnosed. That isn’t common and I’ve been told time and again that I’m doing really well with my lifestyle which contributes to how long they’ve lasted. But I’m tired of it all.
Why do we humans hate being in limbo this way? A deep resistance to what is? Lack of control? I’m not really sure. But I do know that resistance isn’t useful.
“Accepting means you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling at that moment. It is part of the isness of the Now. You can’t argue with what is. Well, you can, but if you do, you suffer.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
I used to feel that I was in a battle that I might be able to win. Now it feels like I’ve lost the battle, but am being forced to stay in the ring and keep fighting. I know the outcome already, I’m just waiting for the inevitable knock out punch. So I wait. I’m told that you never know- there could be some treatment that comes up and means I don’t even need a transplant. You never know- maybe the transplant won’t go well so don’t wish it. You never know- this might be the exact place I need to be right now for everything to line up exactly as it needs to. Just keep fighting a little longer. But I’m tired.
“Through practice, I’ve come to see that the deepest source of my misery is not wanting things to be the way they are. Not wanting myself to be the way I am. Not wanting the world to be the way it is. Not wanting others to be the way they are. Whenever I’m suffering, I find this war with reality to be at the heart of the problem.” ~ Stephen Cope
But the reality is, I have no choice. I have to keep going the way things are right now. I have to stay in the ring and fight a little longer. I have to accept what is. And I have to do so with grace, without self-pity. I have to do so with a positive attitude even if I don’t always want to be positive about it. I have to because these are the cards I was dealt. I have to because control isn’t real. I have to because sometimes the mind isn’t as strong as we want it to be. I have to because people are counting on me to get through this with my spirituality intact. I just have to.
I suspect I’ll keep bouncing between full acceptance of what is and full resistance! I suspect I will have those days that I feel invigorated and ready to take on the world and days that I just want to curl up in a ball and say “enough!” I suspect in the end I will get through it with my spirituality in tact. I suspect my spirit will continue to expand and contract but overall will grow.
“Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as bird wings.” ~ Rumi