I feel as though I’m getting some hard lessons about expectations right now. One of the themes running throughout this blog has been that of detachment. Yogis detach from the outcome of getting into final poses. It took me a long time to get there, but I gradually let go of the expectations I had for myself and allowed my practice to flow with the ease that yoga is meant to have. But the truth is these lessons of letting go, of detaching come is so many forms. I am still coming to grips with letting go of the expectation that my kidneys will improve, that I’ll heal myself of the disease. The function keep going down and for some reason I’m still surprised every time. There is a Rune stone (if you aren’t sure what rune stones are, here’s the wikipedia about them) called Raido that’s description includes the short prayer “I will to will thy will”. I say that phrase repeatedly some days. Trying to get out of my own way and let the universe do the work.
In my last post I wrote about selling my condo at a loss. Now I’m faced with the prospect that I won’t actually be able to buy another property and will need to rent. Of course, this is not the end of the world. This is a not a problem on the level with hunger, homelessness or the many catastrophic events that people face every day in our world. But it is happening in my world. And the suffering, or heartache as Shakespeare put it, feels real today. I had expected to walk away from the condo having experienced a loss, the shadow side of possessions, and into a new property where I would build equity once again. And maybe I still will, but it’s not looking good. But the reality is, this isn’t really about where I’ll live or what happens next in my life. It’s about the expectations I had and about not trusting that everything will turn out exactly as it should. Whoever knows what’s good or bad?
I will to will thy will. Rather than being upset by the prospect of a change in my life circumstances I will work toward moving with ease through this part of my life, just as I’ve come to do on my mat. Life doesn’t have to be a struggle, our expectations just make it feel that way.