I was laying in bed the other night with my arm draped over my partner like I have a thousand times. He placed his hand over my arm – an automatic gesture. But then he quickly withdrew it because under his hand he felt the blood rushing from the bruit or thrill that is my fistula (see my post here to know more about what a fistula is). I wanted to say it’s ok, but you know I’m not sure that it is. I’m not sure how much compression constitutes too much compression. I’m not allowed to wear a watch or a tight shirt sleeve on that wrist, so I’m guessing it’s not ok. Not a big deal, I know. Except it was another representation of change that is fast occurring in my life. I laid there while he read his book and silently wept for the umpteenth time in the last several weeks . Such a simple thing taken away.
I’ve also woken up laying on that arm and quickly get off of it. I’ve wondered at how much it can take. I have some pain in my hand and wonder if I’ve done too much with the arm while healing or if the nerves have been affected by the surgery. I suspect that in a few weeks time that will be gone and I won’t even know when it went away.
I’m trying hard to take this all in stride. To remember every day – every moment really – that I don’t know what the outcome will be. Sometimes it’s easy. Sometimes I know I just need to live life to the fullest in every single moment because that’s all there really is. Other times I feel like I’ve had the wind taken out of my sails. It feels like all the fight, all the passion, all the drive has drained out of me and I’m left a broken shell of who I once was. I always come back; at least I always have. There’s so many people in my family feeling the punch in the gut right now. All for various reasons. Let’s face it there’s no shortage of stress in life. It seems like since my mother passed away just over 6 months ago we don’t have the same fire in us; the same ability to cope. Maybe it’s because we’ve all had these stresses on top of stresses lately and normally we’d be able to support each other.
I have faith that all of us in my family will eventually pull through these tough times and find some level of peace again. We will all laugh both with, and at, each other. We will grow together. We will learn to cope again together. We’re intimately connected, my siblings and I. We will survive and we will thrive again. One of these days.